For most people, the term verbal abuse brings to mind obvious expressions of anger, such as raging, yelling, swearing, name-calling, and making demeaning or hurtful accusations. But there are subtler, more covert types of verbal abuse that can be more insidious and just as damaging over time.
As with other forms of abuse, occasional occurrences do not necessarily indicate an abusive relationship, but a pattern of such behavior is cause for serious concern.
Blaming—Asserting that a partner is responsible for your feelings or actions; holding a partner accountable for circumstances beyond their control.
Blocking—Controlling communication by refusing to talk, by ending a conversation, or by withholding information.
Criticizing—Repeatedly or consistently pointing out a partner's shortcomings, often under the guise of “giving feedback.”
Countering—Asserting the opposite of what your partner says; arguing about their thoughts, perceptions, or experience.
Defining—Telling a partner what they think or feel; telling them who or what they are.
Demanding—Insisting that a partner behave or stop behaving in a particular way.
Denying—Refusing to acknowledge abusive behavior.
Discounting—Discrediting your partner's experience as if it were worthless.
Diverting—Abruptly changing the subject to gain control of the conversation.
Harassing—Continuing to pester your partner after they have repeatedly asked you to stop.
Humiliating—Causing a partner to feel shame by ridiculing them, particularly in the areas where they are most sensitive.
Interrogating—Questioning a partner at length about their thoughts, feelings, behavior, whereabouts, expenditures, etc.
Interrupting—Repeatedly jumping into a conversation before your partner has had a chance to finish speaking.
Judging—Adopting an attitude of superiority to justify telling your partner the negative opinion you have of them or their actions.
Lying—Telling falsehoods to manipulate your partner's thoughts, feelings, or actions.
Mocking—Making fun of your partner's words, tone, or facial expressions.
Ordering—Demanding what you want without respecting your partner's equality or autonomy.
Ranting—Talking at great length without giving your partner a chance to speak.
Sarcasm—Making jokes at your partner's expense.
Taunting—Goading your partner to do something they will regret.
Threatening—Manipulating your partner to do what you want by invoking their worst fears: for example, saying you will divorce them or have an affair if they don't comply with your wishes.
Trivializing—Making light of your partner's thoughts, feelings, or accomplishments.
Undermining—Dampening or squelching your partner's interest or enthusiasm; sabotaging her conversation with others.
Withholding—Deliberately avoiding interactions with your partner to make them suffer. By contrast, withdrawing is taking a reasonable amount of time to calm down or recover from a painful interaction.