Recognize Warning Signs
Pay attention to the warning signs that tell you you're getting angry. You can monitor these signs daily, hourly, or moment by moment to establish greater self-control.
- Physical: What do you feel in your body? Common physiological cues include tension in the chest, face, neck, shoulders, arms, or legs; feelings of heat or cold; headache or backache; queasy stomach; shallower or deeper breathing; sweating; increased heart rate; and feeling "pumped."
- Emotional: What are your feelings before you explode? Anger is usually a defense against other, more painful emotions, such as frustration, hurt, fear, sadness, worry, disappointment, helplessness, disgust, despair, abandonment.
- Mental: What characteristic thoughts or phrases run through your mind? Examples are, "Why does this always happen to me?" or "This is totally unfair!" or "That person should act differently!"
- Behavioral: What do you actually do when you get angry? Typical behavior might be pacing, gesturing, yelling, acting mean or sarcastic, breaking things, making threats, grabbing or hitting.
Keep an Anger Log
Keep a log of angry incidents, noting the date and time, the warning signs you experienced, the actions you took, and your feelings before and after you blew up. Figure out what you can do differently in the future.
You can download copies of an anger log from the "Therapy Tools" section so that you'll have them available when you need them.
Take a Time-Out
When you think you may do something you'll regret later, take a time-out. Leave the situation for 10 minutes if you're slightly upset, or for 30 minutes to an hour if you're really angry. During that time, do something physical to help you calm down; walk, run, ride a bicycle. Develop additional strategies to help you let go of your anger.
- Don't hit or throw things: You'll start believing you need to lash out to feel better.
- Don't drive: You're more dangerous when you're angry.
- Don't drink or use drugs: Getting loaded will only disinhibit you and make matters worse.
- Don't dwell on your anger or rehearse brilliant arguments you will use when you return.
When you get back from a time-out, you and the person you're angry with can discuss the situation calmly, assuming you're both ready to do so. If you get angry again, you may need to postpone the conversation or take another time-out.
If you're someone who gets angry at home, explain the concept to relevant family members so they'll be prepared for it the next time you get mad. Time-outs from the family should be for a specified period of time; leaving gives you a chance to cool down, and returning punctually helps build trust.
Direct Your Anger
Don't stuff down your anger, and don't escalate the conflict. Wait until you have calmed down, then tell the other person how you feel in a straightforward and nonabusive way.
A good format to use is this: "I feel (mad, sad, bad, etc.) when you (describe the specific behavior that upsets you) because (state the reason)." If you have a clearly formulated request for future behavior, make it in an even-toned voice.
Use Positive Self-Talk
Talk to yourself in a positive way. Negative self-talk is what you tell yourself to stir up and feed your anger. Positive self-talk is what you tell yourself to help you calm down.
Because angry thoughts and angry feelings reinforce each other, changing your thoughts can help change your feelings as well.
Switch Channels
When your mind pursues a subject that makes you angry, find another subject that is more conducive to your peace of mind.
Think about something you're looking forward to, remember a pleasurable experience you've had, or get to work on a project you enjoy. You can always return later to the things that bother you.
Keep Perspective
Ask yourself, "In the overall picture of my life, given what really matters to me, is this situation worth getting angry about?"
Imagine that the people you care most about are watching you. How would you want them to see you act?