For most people, the term verbal abuse brings to mind obvious expressions of anger, such as raging, yelling, swearing, name-calling, and making demeaning or hurtful accusations. But there are subtler, more covert types of verbal abuse that can be more insidious and just as damaging over time.
As with other forms of abuse, occasional occurrences do not necessarily indicate an abusive relationship. However, a pattern of such behavior is cause for serious concern and probably indicates a need for some type of professional intervention.
- Blaming: Asserting that a partner is responsible for your feelings or actions; holding a partner accountable for circumstances beyond their control.
- Blocking: Controlling communication by refusing to talk, by ending a conversation, or by withholding relevant information.
- Criticizing: Repeatedly or consistently pointing out a partner’s shortcomings, often under the guise of giving feedback.
- Countering: Asserting the opposite of what your partner says; arguing about their thoughts, perceptions, or experience.
- Defining: Telling a partner a) what they think or feel, b) who or what they are, c) what they really meant to say.
- Demanding: Insisting that a partner behave or stop behaving in a particular way. Telling them what they may or may not do.
- Denying: Refusing to acknowledge abusive behavior. Forgetting that it happened or pretending it never did.
- Discounting: Discrediting your partner’s experience as if it were worthless, as if they don’t know what they’re talking about.
- Diverting: Abruptly changing the subject to gain control of the conversation because you don’t like where it’s going.
- Harassing: Continuing to pester your partner after they have repeatedly asked you to stop arguing with them.
- Humiliating: Causing a partner to feel shame by ridiculing them, particularly in the areas where they are most sensitive.
- Interrogating: Questioning a partner at length about their thoughts, feelings, behavior, whereabouts, expenditures, etc.
- Interrupting: Repeatedly jumping into a conversation before your partner has had a chance to finish speaking.
- Judging: Adopting an attitude of superiority to justify telling your partner your negative opinion you of them or their actions.
- Lying: Telling falsehoods to escape detection or to manipulate your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
- Mocking: Imitating your partner’s words, tone, or facial expressions to make them feel bad.
- Ordering: Demanding what you want without respecting your partner’s equality or autonomy.
- Ranting: Talking at great length without a pause so that your partner doesn’t have a chance to speak.
- Sarcasm: Making jokes at your partner’s expense that they don’t appreciate (different than mutually acceptable teasing).
- Taunting: Goading your partner to provoke them into doing something they will regret.
- Threatening: Manipulating your partner to do what you want by invoking their worst fears: for example, saying you will divorce them or have an affair if they don’t comply with your wishes.
- Trivializing: Treating your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or accomplishments as if they are insignificant.
- Undermining: Dampening or squelching your partner’s interest or enthusiasm; sabotaging their conversation with others.
- Withholding: Deliberately avoiding interactions with your partner to make them suffer. (By contrast, withdrawing is taking a reasonable amount of time to calm down or recover from a painful interaction.)